Hi guys, it's been a while. Yep, it's me
I'm writing this journal to inform all of my dear friends and followers of what has been happening these past few years, as I think you all deserve to know. It's not going to be an easy story for me to get through - nor short - so bare with me. You can scroll down to the tl;dr section at the bottom of this journal if you don't want to read the whole thing. ((may contain triggers, if they are a thing))
At the time of my last journal entry, I was about to finish high school. I had major exams going on, and was looking forward to graduating and finishing school on my 17th birthday. So, finding the time to come on deviantArt became harder. However, the story of my absence doesn't begin here. I must take you all back to the end of 2011 for you to understand.
It was two days after finishing grade 11, when my mother asked to talk with me. She sat me down, and told me that she had just been diagnosed with stage four ovarian and peritoneum (stomach lining) cancer. Doctors had only given her six weeks to live. It completely blew a hole in my life. Mum was a single mum, and I was her only child. We were living with her father (my grandfather) who at that stage had the beginnings of dementia; which was why we were living with him in the first place.
Now, I have a decent memory, but I truly and honestly cannot remember a solid week after mum told me the news. Thankfully, it was over the holidays, and I had enough time to recover and compose myself before my final year of school started. We all made the decision as a family not to tell anyone of our situation, and to keep it very quiet. The only people who were notified were my teachers, in the event where I had to take a sudden absence from school. I didn't want to tell anyone because I wanted to be treated as normally as possible.
Fast forward a little bit to the end of 2012, where I am completing my final year. I had been my mothers carer since July 2012 when she started to go down hill. She had lived past their predictions, and, in her words, still had too much to do before she went. I managed to finish school with a decent score (to my surprise, considering), and as a reward and as a break, my mum and grandfather decided to send me over to the UK with some family friends. It was a good time, and while I wasn't meant to come back until January 2013, I flew home on Christmas Eve and was able to spend Christmas with mum. Thankfully I did, as it would be her last Christmas we would have together.
In the start of 2013, we managed to sell the family home, and get my grandfather into a nice retirement village where he could progress through the system if his dementia got worse. We decided on the retirement village as I was 17 and neither my mum or my grandfather wanted me to carry the burden of having to look after him after mum passed away. After we got him settled, mum and I moved into a semi-holiday apartment as a base towards the end of January. It was then we started looking for a smaller home for me, so that when she passed, I had a roof over my head. Finding the holiday apartment base in itself was difficult as no one wanted to put up someone that could pass away at any time and not be able to pay the bill. But after that struggle ended, a new one began for finding a new house.
Long story short; it wasn't until May that we finally found something. And it was a miracle that it came along. Before finding the one I'm in now, we saw a total of 87 homes, and we tried to put an offer on one that was perfect at the time. Our offer was the highest, and we were praying we would get it. However, it was rejected because we needed a one month contract (for obvious reasons, as time was running out) and the owners wanted a three month contract. We were devastated. I had lost all hope, as mum was up to her umpteenth chemotherapy treatment, and was worsening. But, everything happens for a reason, which I discovered when we found the house I am currently in. We finally had a house. It was bitter-sweet, as mum had to be put into hospital right after we moved in. Since my grandfathers place was closer to the hospital, she had to stay there while she was having her treatments. Her condition worsened and she was put into a room at the hospital, where she stayed for almost three weeks straight. It was then her doctor managed to get her a placement in a hospice, as he could see it was affecting all of us.
It was in August when she was placed into the hospice, and I would stop 4 days out of the week with my grandfather, and twice a day we would travel to the hospice to see her. The days at the hospital were a cakewalk compared to the days at the hospice. The care she received was incredible, but it was so draining on all levels. On the three days I had to myself I would get some groceries (mainly packet meals as I couldn't be bothered cooking) I would do the housework, and I would have one day to myself before heading back up to granddads to repeat the process all over again.
After a total of 55 chemotherapy treatments, and almost two years to the day since she was diagnosed, she passed away in the early hours of October 20th, 2013. It was overwhelmingly hard, but, at the same time, a relief. I had spent two years with this woman, trying to be a good carer, friend, counsellor and daughter, and while it was hard I had been given enough time to accept what was happening. The funeral was the hardest part. I'm not going to go into anything more as it's still very hard for me to even write about, but you get the picture.
So here I was at the end of last year, with literally a new start to a new life. I had no direction, and no idea what I was doing.
I can honestly say I've been managing, and even though it's been a year already I feel as if I have only just begun to get my footing again. But I'm only where I am today all thanks to my partner, who even though he knew it would be hell trying to deal with me going through everything, was there for me every minute of every day. We are now living together and he is the main reason I'm making this post.
This now brings me to the main reason for this post:
One of the things I lost throughout the ordeal was my enthusiasm to make fractals. I was on here every now and again but couldn't bring myself to make anything. I even tried making a new dA account to see if that would help . It did for a while, but overall it didn't work. A few weeks ago my partner suggested that I get back into making fractals as an outlet for any depression/over-active emotions, and I thought I should come back here. I wanted to make this post on this account as it would reach a lot more people than my other one, but I will be on my new account; fracturedfractals.
So guys, I was just wondering, would any of you be interested in possible collabs or pongs to help me get back into the spirit of things?
I need help to get back into the spirit of making fractals, because it will help me heal. You can reach me on my new account here: